There had been a lot of change in my routine. I remember making it off the train before I could literally hear my heartbeat racing me to catch my breath. I walked a little faster, which became a slow jog and almost became a run into work. This was not the first one, and it would not be the last, but as I sat in the toilet trying to regain some control I found myself thinking what went wrong? Read on to find out what I did.
Backdrop December was a terrible month for routine and tending to my mental health. There is something to be said about the season to be jolly having the counter effect something shared by more people than myself. All it takes is a web search and research on SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) to see this is affecting more than just myself, or just you, if you have the unfortunate pleasure of being able to relate.
That being said: you are still important. Our feelings are valid to us. Now back to the panic attack and what caused it.
It is no secret the end of the year can be the most stressful time of the year. Last year with everything going on in the world this was more than overly justified. I think that was what made the siting quietly and alone in the toilet cubicle a safe spot, somewhere private, where I tried regaining control of something desperately for myself. I have read in a few articles that learning to let go or relieving yourself from the control is a good way to handle things like anxiety or panic attacks but based on that logic allowing the attacks to take place is following that logic. So I was nailing but I felt like it was killing me.
No It was not fun. They have never been fun.
Quick overshare: I pride myself in being fearless or at best, pride in being scared and doing it anyway, but this was different. My panic attacks all seem based on psychological fears. Mine, seems to be located around losing control of my bodily functions. The sense of impending doom, combined with the heart attack like symptoms, as well as abdominal cramps seems to lead me to the irrational conclusion that I will either wet myself and everyone will see or I would defecate, void my bowels violently and out of control.
It seems my ego especially during these attack takes centre stage and perception of myself becomes significant. I know it is irrational because despite the 100s of panic attacks I have endured so far after becoming aware of them. I am still day 0 without an actual accident. This could be maybe I get into a safe space in time or just the mere fact that physically at the young age of 27 I am in more control of myself than I think well at least my bodily functions. Even though the effects are not real or well my perceived nightmare result.
The build up, the fear, the thoughts, The ANXIETY is 100 percent real. Sometimes there is nothing I can do about them occurring.
The point:
The point is paying attention to what is happening has helped me realise and separate real dangers vs when I am having an anxiety/ panic attack. They can stop you in your tracks, affect your confidence, and even keep you in a state of readiness that can become incredibly taxing to your energy.
It is important to notice your stresses, have things in place that helps you manage your stresses and know you will survive. That being said it is also important to reach out and share what is happening with a trusted loved one as this can save your life especially if you genuinely require immediate medical attention. I pray you recognise the differences.
So with this knowledge, what caused my last one? Why despite my knowledge and ‘expertise’ was I still powerless?
December to new years is when my mental health seems to be at it’s highest. I feel incredibly down without helping it, I experience manic highs, and find myself thinking a lot. This year gifts were at the forefront of my mind. I often want to provide or help out my family in any way possible. I selfishly feel responsible for their security and happiness, overthinking my role in the family especially not being where I FELT I needed to be professionally or financially. From writing this I can already feel the fatigue that I was putting my mind through. This added with the fact that I had back to back chest and throat infections and a lack of hitting the gym and doing things to alleviate those stresses meant I had worked myself into a point where I slowly stopped looking after myself.
The wall holding back everything cracked and for the second time at the end of the year. I hit that wall hard and everything kept flowing out, my negative thoughts; my fears; and my overthinking took charge. I was no longer the one king of my mind. This Civil war had switched tides. To regain control, I took a sledgehammer to that ego, to my perfect perception, to being strong, and disclosed what happened to work colleagues. I let others know I was struggling, I felt some shame about doing this which is always a part of ‘being a man’ but doing this allowed me to remain king of my mind, to regain ownership and bring in peace. I was not okay that day and that was okay.
[ONEKINGSOPINION]: To really care for those you love. You will love yourself so that you can be the best you for them. Anything else is cheating your world.