The start of my fitness journey
I remember being incredibly angry. A preteen of 11 years old, I had done something that required me to be disciplined (a common occurrence in my youth) armed with nothing but early testosterone and emotional energy. I found myself doing push ups, I did about 8 before getting tired after struggling I did 10 more, breathed, and found something incredibly interesting. The choice to channel my rage and exert those feelings gave me energy, energy that allowed me to push myself. After a few minutes of this I had forgotten why I was angry in the first place.
This did not stop me from ever getting angry but I found myself realising how much better I felt after that small simple exercise. I carried on with the push ups though and sit ups at home starting small. I remember asking a Physical Education teacher for different types of workout as the push ups had become boring. This is how I started my 10 by 10s at home: 10 push-ups, 10 times. 10 sit ups, repeated 10 times and alternating different types of push ups and different core exercises.
This did not make my feelings go away but I found they bought me time to breath, I felt a lot clearer. (The clarity will not come the first time but more important is the burning of energy).
Bouncing Back…from couch to court.
I played soccer (football in the UK). Although I would not take this serious till 12 years old, making the school football team in church shoes (humble brag). I was surprised to be considered mainly as I did not play a lot of football in primary school. I still did my push ups and occasionally running around during break and lunch. It was not till I was a bit older that I understood this was my way of distracting myself from the depressed feelings I constantly felt. It was becoming noticeable and getting in the way.
Playing football (soccer) taught me a lot about myself, I enjoyed team sports, I enjoyed the physicality of it. I was not the greatest, but it gave me a huge amount of peace. I even made the cross country team although I only made that mistake once.
I played football for a couple years till my first knee injury put me out of action for the first time in my life. This coupled with my depressive episode was not a good combination. My mum was working and helped nurse me back to health, it was one of the most painful times in my life. Feeling negative about my mum sacrificing her time and the pain of not being able to move or do something enjoyable created an itch which just led to frustrations which fuelled a lot of doubt and negativity.
Sitting at home getting more and more frustrated, down in the dumps and just irritable. I remembered my new crutch I kept working out still doing my push ups and sit ups my form was not great but nevertheless a crutch. A crutch that I have still been utilising to this day.
Finding new enjoyable ways to cope and not being as good as I wanted, I quit the football team. I still played in school but never seriously, while healing from my injury I realised you could play basketball, well just shooting the ball. So, I played a lot of basketball, mainly to distract me from all the other overwhelming and yet to understand feelings, I was experiencing. Changing to this sport taught me you could train individually and after my injury, I became isolated.
Basketball also had its lessons. One of the first being bullied by some of the other kids during basketball sessions created a new and dangerous obsession another feeling I wanted to overcome to feel valued. So I practised, and practised, and practised some more. I became inseparable from a basketball, spending ridiculous amount of lunch times, breaktimes, and money replacing balls but together with the working out I felt more at peace. I created something to look forward too. A place to put energy.
I played basketball for a number of years representing my school team in basketball for a few games from year 8 playing my last game for the school during 6th form in my final year. Year 8 (seventh grade) was my best year in basketball, dedicating a lot of time, and mental focus to the sport was a good distraction during those times, particularly trying to figure out what was happening in terms of feeling lost and different. I would love to say basketball was my saving grace and my mental health was cured just from playing sports, and that I achieved inner peace. This was just a important part of the journey.
The main thing I learnt from the push ups at home. The beginning will not always be how you imagined, it will not be glamorous, you may not have all the equipment or even any idea what you are doing. You could just be filled with a lot of ‘negative’ or even unwanted energy…But know this.
Your pain is fuel. Your suffer is power. You can turn it into a force that works for and benefits you. I hope this chapter of my fitness journey involves a brief example of that. I will explain and detail some other parts of the journey in future post.
Thank you for reading and leave comments.